Simon said “Write what you know, write what other people do not know, because that way when you tell them they will know it.”
O.k. here we go.
Boys and girls, ladies and gentleman I invite you this first incepting foundation building investigation into the weird the odd and the overlooked. Today’s prime specimen you might have heard of in passing, but let me assure you that to appreciate it’s lovely full plumage of WTF you must really see it for yourselves.
Why, you would ask me. And after I found out how you got into my house I’d explain that the creature we’re observing today is a very odd breed the bastard offspring of Television and Film it is neither and yet embodies the weaker genes of both, the T.V. Movie Babes in Toyland, 1986.
Boy Animikean you say, you’re being pretty specific! But I have to be, this story started out started in 1903 as an operetta capitalization of the new hit on Broadway “Wizard of OZ” and it did pretty well in it’s own right. Then there were five movies of the same subject with the same exact name in ‘34, ‘54, ‘61, ‘86, and ‘97 not counting the South Korean Toi-rand un mohop ha and Shirley Temple’s spin with it in ’60.
Without specificity you could end up in a movie with either Laurel and Hardy, or Annette Funicello and there would be more singing and that is something no one wants more of in the version of this movie I’m about to show you. This movie has more than enough bat-shitness going for it already. Is it the best version? No, nononono Is it the worst no but it was enough to show an impressionable child what a drug trip would be like.
It starts out as so many 80’s movies were obligated to do with a cheap title animation. These things are so common that I normally wouldn’t bring it up but it’s oil pastel smeared across black construction paper and drawings from stock footage of Cincinnati heralding the beginning of a movie so cheap I believe the actors were all paid in cameos on television series yet to be determined.
Inspires confidence doesn't it?
And I hope you like the ditty they’re playing that’s one of the four songs you’ll hear in this movie with this one being especially important, the song is a plot point.
Animikean you amazingly well featured fool, that doesn’t make sense you must be wrong. To which I answer it doesn’t, I’m right, and didn’t I kick you out already?
Here’s a game, this movie came out in 1986, Keanu Reeves is the main male lead, how many actors are listed before him in the opening credits?
If you said 3, you cheated but take a drink anyway ‘cuz you’re gonna need it.
We open in the Piper household with Drew as Lisa, an 11 year-old so ahead of her class she’s already a frumpy housewife. When asked to guess what her Christmas present will be she says “I bet it’s a new blender!” yeah this one won’t be hitting the vicadin before she’s legal to drive.
But Lisa’s sister Full Size Barbie (the character is Mary, but that’s far beyond important) is getting her a plot-moving sled and Lisa is visibly disappointed, but sucks it up perhaps thinking there’s a better chance she’ll get the deluxe vacuum she wanted for her birthday.
Oh, and we learn their conveniently out of town mother is Mrs. Peacock.
The slight wind knocks down the T.V. antenna and phone pole to the house, so Lisa ru
ns to Toys, toy store where Mary and the rest of the characters work to warn them about the big storm coming from Canada aaaand five minutes in we’ve already contrived beyond logic.
I love TOYS toy store!
It's my favorite one here in Generictown, I mean Cincinnati.
Get used to such creative naming, it only
goes downhill from here.
The antenna and phone pole of her house are
obviously down, is her town so small that her house is the only one with T.V. or radio? Will no one else know about the killer winter storm if she doesn’t walk up to each personally?
This is why you don't piss off giant beavers in winter, they play rough
We’re introduced to Keanu as Jack, and George played by someone but it’s nobody we’ve heard of so my nickname has always been not Candy since the guy’s got the physical form and some of the features down but not the talent. What do I mean? I think it was purposefully they have so many scenes together because with Keanu’s under acting and not Candy’s overacting and if you squint you can almost see a single palatable performance between them.
This is a stock scene in the store. Jack, Mary, George and Lisa are all good and friends, Barney (played by the dad from Empty Nest, though a dinosaur costume wouldn’t take away from the movie’s credibility) the store owner cares about profit over people’s safety, Jack, Mary and George “dramatically” quit and Lisa is given the plot sled.
They all pile into Jack’s jeep and I wonder didn’t Lisa and Mary just walk there? They put Lisa in the back seat on the sled without a seatbelt but with only a plastic flap door behind her and we all get a good feeling about this now.
They’re bouncing along bumpy twisted roads with enough time to get through a song who’s main lyrics are spelling out Cincinnati without even getting to the destination and, I’m sorry driven cars are faster then walking people even if we are to believe Lisa took this over the river and through the woods route, did time and space expand just to let them get through a song that worms the ear? Was it worth it time and space? Was it?!?
This tune was written for this movie and is used at least 4 times variously, as was a Christmas song that doubles as a wedding song and mr. songwiter commonsensical is not a word you fail, you fail you hurt my head and (left to do research) you won 2 Oscars? How does that happen? I have to stop writing now or watching this movie or something, wasn’t Major League made in Cincinnati? I could cover that instead.
No one’s seen this movie so no one will know.
Momentary weakness there, sorry. When Jack swerves to avoid a falling tree Lisa falls out of the jeep on the sled and slides down a mountain in just bad enough light for a stuntDrew to do it.
Camera p.o.v hits tree and we get a blue flare effect on black leaving us to conclude Lisa’s dead?
Well it was a short film but when you include the store and Lisa’s sister you get toys and a babe so I can’t fault it for false advertising.
Wait no she’s not dead she’s flying on the sled ina green screened blue daytime sky and now I’m starting to see how this story is a rip-off of Wizard of OZ not a good one but you can see it in the structure.
And instead of Munchkin Village Lisa finds a lost tribe of Furry-Coners. No It’s Toyland, but you would have believed the other. She lands in a wedding cake comicly large enough.
Worst stripper in cake incident ever, and we should call child protective services now to give them plenty of time.
Lisa is knocked over by Georgie Porgie who the same actor as George in “reality” (so hard to write that when talking about this movie) he gives her a cookie, fills backstory, and states at her too much for me to be comfortable.
And this is the villain’s bowling ball house on a hill, if this movie were made today or they had a budget that might actually mean it was threatening, as it is just take it as another clue that Barnaby isn’t right in the head and that was completely missed by the population of this fur-suited universe.
Even dressed as Labyrinth’s pimp
Here it is, our bad guy Barnaby Barnacle (Barney from Toy toy store) lives in a bowling ball (pineapples don’t grow in this climate), wears extravagant black outfits complete with long black cocaine nail, has monster goons and leans on people financially but we all take him at his word.
But most people in this town are flipping idiots and if that's accepted now that now and this movie is easier to take.
The town is willing to sacrifice, I mean marry off Mary Contrary (everyone has similar enough names and personalities between the two realities, you can figure out this part wasn’t played by Keanu) to Barnaby in order for her mother Mother Hubbard (too“clever” for you yet?) to not loose the shoe house she and her dense den of children live in. Jack Nimble Jr. loves her and she loves him but love won’t pay the bills.
Lisa interrupt the ceremony as precociously as she can and does all the hard work so all Jack has to do is grab Mary and sweep her away. Jack is able to do exactly half of that. You grab the girl and take her AWAY from danger, where did you get your hero certification Mr. Nimble?
Barnaby’s goons Max Shriek and Riff Raff keep Keanu at bay with JAZZ HANDS!
The 11 year old out argues the villain and because I guess he’s soft only having had to battle the intellects of the Toyland citizens he retreats to regroup and make a whole new plan. Wow he really would have gotten away with it too if not for the annoying kid!
And it’s a good thing too because Jack totally needs to marry Mary but he can’t if she’s already married. He’s got until Wednesday or Barnaby (his uncle) gets the town’s Cookie Factory! >lightning flash, scary music<
For being the first person there to show balls, the whole town spontaneously sings dances and throws Lisa a parade. Kinda pathetic, so I’ll show you this picture instead cuz it’s funny.
Two things here,
gotta give it to villainous architecture didn’t call the swamp of sorrows being located under a four story bowling ball,
and it’s nice to see the Power Ranger Monster Outreach Program working because each one we can find an internship for won’t be out roaming the street getting into trouble getting their asses handed to them by teenagers.
Trolog people, she/he/it is the only one eyed bird monster that can not only show you plot points with exacting accuracy but also has a uvula on it’s head.
Just like Toys toy store I can’t get enough of Cookie Factory cookies
Everything’s pink and everyone’s on skates, yeah there’s enough there I’ll let you fill in your own comment.
And now another episode of it only works to forward the plot if everyone’s as dumb as a post. Barnaby sends all the bakers away and drops 6 months worth of cookies and assorted sweets into a trapdoor to hell they happen to have in the storage room, picture below.
And here’s another point where logic will only work against you. Driver’s licenses are made of cookies, the only requirements are that you reach the pedals and there’s
one ready for you in the car. So what’s the point? What if you eat your license?
Cookies are official documents, money and food is there a difference in how they maker the three? Is flour closely guarded and can you be arrested for suspected forgery if you buy too much confectioner’s sugar?
Barnaby’s stupid plan that can only work because everyone else is just that much stupider is to destroy 6 months worth of cookies, and the judge calls it grand cookie larceny but Barnaby cries about the poor hungry teddy bears. So which was it cookie currency or cookie food? This is me stepping away from a subject so dumb I think I’ve gotten dumber trying to figure it out because the movie’s next statement is just as bad.
“It’s always daylight here” Mary Contrary says. At what point did you suspect this was all in Lisa’s head, perhaps in the few seconds after her unseatbelted self hit the tree. Maybe she’s muttering it’s always daylight here as the blood is pooling and flashlights search down into the darkness of the hill to find her in time, or maybe it’s just a place that never has to worry about vampires could go either way.
Barnaby calls the cuddliest cops you’ve ever seen and the judge in the pimp hat he commandeered from Mystery, you can tell Jack is surprised by Keanu’s completely forgetting to act in this scene.
But it was nice of Jack to hold closed the door so the judge could more easily lock the cage.
JAIL jail? Not even Toyland jail? A joke is funny for so long and then I start to get the suspicion that this movie wasn’t made with much care at all.
Lisa and friends break Jack out of jail. Which is great cuz, well there’s no where for them to run to and they could have tried to prove Jack’s innocence while he sat in prison so uh, huzzah now they’re all law breakers I guess? She distracts the judge with Pete Rose stories but not the good ones because that didn’t come out till ’89.
They drive to Toymaster’s Workshop (why yes it does say TOYMASTER’S WORKSHOP on the building, at this point I’m just surprised it didn’t say BOWLING BALL on the side of Barnaby’s house) in their very manly cars that make putt-putt sounds and travel as fast as a swift walker.
They’re greeted by the spawn of a garden gnome and a pikmin and I’m man enough to say it’s going in my nightmare file. The ruler of them and all the people in this reality is the Toymaster aka. Pat freaking Morita and there’s nothing bad I will say about him because he is consistently awesome and the thing I say later doesn’t count since it’s not him.
What’s in there? Lisa asks the Toymaster, the action scene of the 3rd act he responds. O.k. he doesn’t but
just think of them as the Winchester in the pub of the same name.
He says children aren’t interested in wooden soldiers anymore and I wonder when they were interested in a toys, twice their size that with the wrong luck could fall and kill you. I was counting the Toymaster as one of the three in this that has use of their brain but his sure looks addled. The next part doesn’t help.
Question for the audience, if it were your job to make toys and rule a land of simpletons what would you do in your spare time?
The Toymaster goes out and collects evil in the world and stores it in an old Chianti bottle. How he extracts it, distills it, or if the subjects survive this process he won’t say, but LOST fans will believe it.
Did you children know I'm carving a toy smoke monster?
The four of them use all their sleuthing knowledge to go back to the scene of the crime (teddy bear cops must have been their taking coffee break) so Jack could get captured. Good job movie! It was so important that they broke him out of jail so that 2 scenes later he could behind different bars. And on top of that Richard Mulligan sings, uh talks to a beat about how wonderfully evil he is.
Lisa tells the others if Jack is no where else he must be in Barnaby’s because critical thinking is a semester past the abilities of the Toyland citizen. Mary goes and gets captured. At the Toymaster’s Workshop Barnaby takes the bottle but Toymaster defeats Trolog with a paintbrush and Georgie and Lisa charge out to Barnaby’s bowling ball and get captured. All slides no matter where their origination leading to Barnaby’s one cage. Villain architecture didn’t I tell you it was wacky?
Now my dear reader, you were able to accept food/currency, multiple characters played by the same actors and no character here being able to outsmart a fifth grader this next scene will test you further.
We are incredibly effective heroes in this jail cell!
Barnaby has an army of loyal trolls (don’t look for trolls here, they mean people dressed in potato sacks covered in fake leaves and twigs with two flashlights where the eyes would be) and he will use the bottle of evil to 1) make them unstoppable and 2) make the four of them evil too.
And I’m asking since before this afternoon he didn’t know this bottle existed, how does he know how to use it, what it will do or even what kind of matter evil is distilled into? It’s not like it’s a potato or something.
But it’s a gas and it aerates as a postproduction cloud of green. The villains leave Jack, Mary and Georgie go through spasms of overacting but since Lisa came from L.A. she’s built up a tolerance to smog, wait no it’s even stupider. Lisa is immune because she’s from Cincinnati and by singing her plot point song from the first act she gets the rest to sing not only along but they can pick up the next verse as if they’ve been singing it their whole lives.
Lisa still doesn’t find it weird she has friends with the same names and faces at home and I’m shocked further this songwriter was part of the really good songs of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. Maybe he wrote “Cheer Up Charlie” I never liked that one. The singing reverses their evil-fication which proves that even concentrated evil can’t stand upbeat numbers about Midwest towns.
The four “act” evil to be let out of their cage and I have to tell you an actor playing a character trying to act, it’s good for them other characters are as dumb as they are.
Evil = growling with bad posture
Now escaped and the rest of Toyland finally hip to the clues that the evil guy is evil they plan their defense against Barnaby’s rejected muppets.
Toyland has no defenses, they have baked goods as currency for god’s sake and you can’t start a proper military industrial complex on sugar and flour, they’re boned.
Unless, Lisa believes in the heart of the cards toys allowing the Toymaster’s full size unfeeling automatons of death (the toy soldiers) to come to life. Its all lip-synched to Lisa by Pat Morita, whoever they got to SING the song couldn’t havebeen him and I wonder how much time we could have saved if the songs were cut out,sung information was also spoken so so wtf?
The troll rampage is so slow rambling and in
effective it’s almost cute, like LOL trolls.
We rampage plz nao?
Whereas the toy soldier they creep me out. Look into those dead painted on eyes and tell me if you really believe they’re on your side
and p.s. that’s a cabinet they’re coming out of what kind of Mary Poppins/ Dr. Who/ Felix’s bag magic are
we talking about here?
They use their superior firepower of, having firepower and force the trolls out of town. Barnaby, Max and Riff Raff are pushed out with them as Barnaby whines I can’t control them anymore!
Barnaby, you fail as a villain, what was keeping them under your thrall before this? Your good looks and
singing voice, your solid plans and promises of clear victory? Because you didn’t have any of that. Anyway I’m sure once the muppets disembowel you they’ll forgive you.
And nobody can keep their evil cred when scooting around in a bumper car, even if there's no flowers on it
It’s the Toymaster I worry more about, he’s happily
excited throughout the battle and perfectly
willing to send Barnaby out to his fate. We know Toyland has a jail, but the Toymaster demands blood if you’re going to interrupt his work like that
Jack and Mary get married using the same song we’ve heard all movie and the Toymaster (spoiler) who’s also Santa Claus takes Lisa home.
Sign of the costumer being too clever for the material, on Mary’s wedding gown is silver bells and cockle shells with pretty maids all in a row.
Lisa wakes up surrounded by friends (her sister’s boyfriend and their friend George) and family it was all a dream or was it??? Aaah that soldier under the tree moved! And so Lisa never had a moment’s rest again.
What’s the moral here?
This movie brought up some uneasy questions, Santa was fine with levying overpower force against an enemy, taking no prisoners with an untold number dying after the fact but he also decides whether I’ve been bad or good and if I’m deserving of presents. So I’m really torn on whether to admonish him.
So I’ll go with, wear a damn seatbelt!
Babes in Toyland 1986 was made by MGM and some of the versions including this one are owned by them but it's so old I'm sure it's in public domain if anyone out there thinks they can do this story better.
Thanks to Laurelinblaze and Gelalkin for the help next time we'll know what we're doing better!
