"Demons" They Bite Review

My first thought is, did I mistakenly turn on Ghostbusters? The scene with Security Guard and Secretary having a normal but brief chat could have been the beginning of a series starring our guys in jumpsuits, but I pause and check the channel. It’s BBC America, the America is only cursory as my friends over the Atlantic remind me as they gush on about episodes months before I’ll have a chance to see them. So you will have to be satisfied by your own Annie Potts impressions until next year. But in lieu of a Slimer this series still gives you the conciliatory gift of another small big-mouthed creature.

Is that a goatsucker using the paper shredder? I’d say it’s a good mix of that horribly pathetic servant creature from Harry Potter, a piranna with the eyes dialed up to bush baby. This took me a bit by surprise I was expecting the mentioned dr. (the person this poor throw away character works for) to be getting sliced up by the set up and sound of it. Gremlins at too young an age? You make the call.

She’s killed by the rudely interrupted goat sucker as a Bond villan lackey-like vampire (I’m guessing vampire from those teeth) waits for it outside, sure we’ll go with it for now.

The intro song, feels a little Smallville poppish as we go on a cg tour of a random not so dank sewer system with no turtles or beast-men named Vincent in sight.

(got to slow down the reference dropping, there’s a legal limit you know)

The first American accented actor we see doesn’t help how L&O the crime scene is displayed, by dressing straight out of Munch’s closet. I haven’t done any research on this guy, but by the twang he could be British but putting on an American accent. (research done, it’s ----ing Gene Hunt from the English LoM! Well, now I know what it looks like when he’s on screen but not acting. My hopes of liking this just slimmed)

He (when they give us a name I’ll use it), gives plot-lets to unnamed person on the other end of the phone. Here it is, this is a school (I really didn’t get that from how nondescript business like the slice of the building we saw looked) there’s a artfully blood splattered file on a boy that’s of interest to our mysterious man in black (well he is!) and the goat sucker (until they correct me goat sucker is fun to say), and this boy will obviously be what the plot plays out around even if you didn’t read the brief info on this pilot.

But I won’t spoil anything for you or for me, because my viewing schedule lies in shreds with so many shows that I liked getting the axe between last year and this I’m in danger of using my television as an odd shaped planter.

After a quip from non-Munch that didn’t feel CSI of L&O at all… we have a view of “the boy” from just above his bed that makes me feel only a shade bit pervy in a wakey-wakey guess what I slipped in your drink last night kind of way.

Wow, blue room. My mind refuses not to play “I’m blue da-ta-de-da…” No, be constructive. First off I’m really not kidding about the blueness ($5 says this is never addressed because it’s just Crash-like atmosphere building) it’s like they went to Ikea and said decorate but try to keep it to one color. And that would be a plum of a job for the Ikea-ites because this kid’s bedroom is huge. I can see that it either used to be an entire secretary pool of a gentrified building, or a ----ing McMansion either way I’m not feeling sympathetic for the main character shit he’s going to go through

He goes down to the kitchen where someone stands still with their head behind the fridge’s door. It’s an obvious fake scare with overdramatic heartbeat thuds playing as he approaches. But it’s a bad sign when I’d be fine with his mom (the kid assumes the large figure in the black jacket is her to which I say, I respect you so much ma’am if I ever meet you please don’t hurt me!) getting axed because I’m too busy noticing how large the kitchen is, did they gut an entire factory building just to make their house?

In a move that is nothing like Merrick’s in Buffy the Vampire Slayer non-Munch introduces himself by throwing something at the kid’s face and him effortlessly catching it.

Two thoughts: 1. I’m starting to wonder if I’m not this show’s demographic, 2: I’m really ready for some names, 5 minutes in and I’ve only got man, boy, secretary, vampire, security guard and creature to call them. Nobody has introduced themselves.

“Hi, you must be Luke” There, progress! The boy is Luke, and I’m sure no comparisons from other more popular stories will reflect badly on this one.

“I’m Galvin, Rupert Galvin” says non-Munch non-Merrick non-Mysterious Man in Black. Rupert huh, maybe it was better when we didn’t know their names. Now there’s the curse of lazy naming on both our mains.

We cut to breakfast, Luke finally in a shirt (to which I say GOOD he’s been in nothing but boxers till now, and it’s just been too jailbait for comfort) and hello mother that suddenly appears. She’s nowhere near as tall, heavy or hulking as the man (sorry, Rupert) who was standing at Luke’s fridge so how did he get them confused? I have the feeling this kid is going to try to save humanity or at least this small burg from disaster but he’s already showing trouble with logic and recognition. I’m fearing for their safety already and advise the populace to take out some hefty insurance. Is it really to late to make this a Ghostbusters series? I’d even take something less then sterling like the coals they raked Robocop over.

The mom knows Rupert from sometime before and calls him a jerk, I like her already! Please series don’t kill her. She’s trying and just in that effort steals attention from characters that the story wants you to believe are more important. After dropping on Luke, he’s your Godfather, you’ll be conveniently helping him around, and he’s welcome in the house (I guess she’s used to his habit of b and e). And then she’s gone leaving me missing her already.

Cryptic set-up talk between Luke and Rupert, Rupert gives him a mysterious envelope and tells him to meet him tonight and cancel his plans. I expect to find him later that night asking Merrick (oh I mean Rupert) for gum while sitting on a fresh grave in his cheerleader outfit.

Standard finds evidence scene where he traps a small demon under a laundry hamper, he shows his girlfriend Ruby who out emotes him simply by showing emotion. Seriously I think this show needs to keep him infont of a blank wall to keep him interesting. Ruby all but hits him with the clue hammer when she goes through the envelope. Abraham V H, it says here you’re the next V H. This kid is thick because nothing’s falling into place, what does he think it’s hinting at? Maybe he’s going to be the next Van Halen?

So, Rupert brought him to see a piano concert, Mina Harker’s piano concert. She gives Luke a magic locket and advice. Things still aren't clicking for our intrepid hero, the kid sure isn’t a reader.

Rupert claims his job description is Warrior. Yes it sounds just as dumb out loud, and since he says it in front of some Hollywood-style graphiti on random structures I can only assume he’s come out to play. There’s also more cryptic explination but since Luke is only thick as a brick so he needs it repeated many times. Oh and neither really have a great sense of self preservation because Bond-villan vamp is sitting just a table away from them and hacks a hairball on the table. Classy series, very classy.

Rupert says there’s rivers in permafrost under the city, bad things came from the underground rivers and he names off unimportant power levels as if this was a game of Yu-Gi-Oh.

And I’m starting to think our hero might need a helmet for his own safety
“Is this an entity?” “No Luke, that is a rat.”

Their secret hideout is a library in the sewer. I think it’s important to note that this series only went 6 episodes, the horrible Justice League pilot also had their hideout in the sewers (with the most pitiful Martian Manhunter you will ever see) and it never even made it to a season. So please when putting together a series aim a little higher for your clubhouse, at least above sea level. And Rupert calls it The Stacks, I haven’t had a chance to make a Buffy series reference other then the obvious one but really. I haven’t seen the show in flipping years, missed many episodes but even I remember that the too well equip 2 story public school library was called the stacks by all the main characters. Really show you should make me work for it. And how am I not half way through this episode yet?

Luke gets the underground clubhouse, a taped message from his deceased dad and an insistent last “You’re the guy, you’re the chosen guy.” speech from Rupert. I think it’s less that Luke is ready, but more that Rupert has a great boat and wants to start retirement while he can actually enjoy it. Or at least that’s the backstory I’m creating while we get scene after scene of just these two.

Yay! Ruby’s back, and she bumps into the vamp. But her more convincing acting must have driven it away because when Luke gets there it’s gone. I swear, wouldn’t trust this guy to keep my cat secure. A gang of hoodie wearing were-(hyenas?) attack them and it screams we had a budget but past a mask these guys just didn’t fit into it. He fights them while music best found in a Marines recruitment commercial plays. Ruby has a great time fighting and I want the series to be about her. Vamp comes back perhaps attracted by the vacuum that is his acting abilities and while holding our hero up by one hand releases his little friend. Oh that last sentence sounded so wrong, but the bush baby goatsucker leaps excitedly from his overcoat and… goodnight everybody enjoy the veal.

Goatsucker inconveniences Ruby as much as a ferocious Chihuahua might, and Rupert stops vamp from something. I have no idea what he says through the prosthetic teeth but we would probably have been done with him clearing the way for Ruby the Entity Smiter. Rupert saves his ass, the goatsucker blows up into troll dust, and they all meet up with Mina at Luke’s place.

Rupert drives Ruby home, he gives her his card (I’m really curious what he’d put on it) and his accent suffers some major slippage. Ruby gets kidnapped by the vamp just as she gets home, right after Rupert leaves her because the bad guys… obviously have a combination of psychic powers and gps. Mina tells Luke to dump Ruby as she arms him with a Victorian-ish version of the BFG that only affects Entities or Demons or Freaks. They keep changing how they refer to their enemy and that really should have been resolved before it got filmed, says I the person who hasn’t been given a truckload of money to make a series.

Luke’s talking with his mom at home (remember her? When we left her back at 6 minutes in) basically doing the Buffy’s mom oblivious how did your day go routine. Show, you’re really testing me here. I can accept that the mom is intelligent and might miss that their kid is out fighting the forces of evil, but her husband who was killed that way too? You need to be dropped on your head to develop that kind of dramatic blind spot.

But enough of that competent acting, Luke has to run off and save the princess from Donkey Kong. No I mean Ruby from the STILL nameless vamp and it’s only happening in the most clichéd of fashion so you’ll have to excuse if my mind wanders.

So he comes alone to the Baltic Stairs, and I only got that that was the location because of the stairs so prominently behind them. Thank you set design guy, you’ve made up for the prosthetics this time and I’ll even excuse you for that showroom of a bedroom because of it. Funny thing though the vamp says come without Galvin, but it sounds so much like girlfriend coming out of his mouth that I had to watch it repeatedly wondering if the vampire forgot he’s got Luke’s girlfriend tied up right there in front of him.

An old glam rocker with a laughable beak prosthetic glued to his nose is revealed to be the vamp’s boss. If he isn’t given a name I’m calling him birdboy because it gives me pleasure and I’m 10 minutes from never having to watch this again.

Birdboy’s name is Gladiolus Thrip, and his affectation is Twilight caliber verse. Maybe he’s going to bore Ruby to death?

Mina is blind (I didn’t bring it up earlier because it wouldn’t change the character if she was sighted but makes the writers feel more clever this way), but “see” clues in the piece of evidence the vamp coughed out at Ruby’s place. So has Stephanie Meyer unshackled us so far from the lore that it can still be a vampire if it habitually regurgitates like an owl? Rupert and Mina muse it’s good that Luke is safe at home, cuz’ Thrip (apparently a badass) won’t hurt her till he gets Luke. Well isn’t this going to be painfully wacky?

And before you can say stop it’s a trap, Luke rushes to a folded over hooded figure at the bottom of the stairs because it MUST be Ruby, right? Were-hyena shocker! Luke is disarmed by the surprise of it all and Thrip simply picks up the weapon that could have killed him, and thinks how much more difficult heroes were in the past before they proceed to tear him to shreds. Everything up to the comma in that last sentence was true.

Instead of killing him right away Thrip brings up handcuffs and the bad pit of your stomach feeling I was hoping we’d left at the beginning of this travesty rears its ugly head again. Oh now vamp gets a name, no sorry you can’t go 51 minutes and that drop that on me, he remains vamp unless you want to go to IMDB to edumacate yerselves. They knock Luke out then go to commercial, should I be happy handcuffs weren’t involved?

Mina and Rupert arrive just in time to see vamp and Thrip leave with Luke’s prone form. Gee, everyone has such convenient timing here. Rupert blows vamp into troll dust, and Luke regains consciousness just in time to see how to use a weapon without loosing. The magic bullets don’t work on Thrip, and you could only see that coming if you’ve ever played a video game with a boss battle. Thrip knocks Rupert back with either his scream or bad breath and neither Mina or Luke try to catch him when he runs away.

Thrip doubles back and attacks Luke one more time as he’s rescuing Ruby from the non-lethal situation of being tied up and under a grate. Thrip grabs the girl, Luke grabs the gun and I grab my head, they’re completely going to waste the chance to develop the Ruby character aren’t they.

You remember the magic part of these bullets? This series doesn’t think you do because Mina reiterates it, unless you hit a freak with the bullet it does nothing. No word on what it does when it hits a super-freak (superfreaky, yow!).

If this were a better series I would have this scene further in then the 1st episode to bring up points like do freaks always know they’re freaks, what about partial freak heritage and what of freaks sympathetic to the Van Helsing cause? Yeah the last seems very unlikely, especially if you’ve read the book. Show of hands? I’m counting maybe 2, 3? Well trust me, it you’d be less likely to find them then log cabin Republicans.

Luke trusts in the force ie. there’s 3 minutes left, his bullet kills Thrip when Rupert’s didn’t destroying everything but the beak prosthetic. It’s good to see that death has more dignity then to take that.

Day after wrap-up scene, it’s every cliché that you think it is and even the “off on another adventure” scene paired up with music strained straight from the early 90’s can’t dull my happiness at reaching the end. In part I feel like I’ve also beaten back badly costumed Buffy rejects and won, and that grain of triumph will last past the point when I’ve salved my eyes in enough West Wing to make the horrors of Demons go away.